I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
