Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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