I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
