i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
