i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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