I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
