Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
