It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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