Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
