Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
