wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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