The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We talked him into tasing himself.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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