Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
