just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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