She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
