Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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