Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
40s are totally the cure
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
