ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
