The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
