I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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