maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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