it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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