apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
