Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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