Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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