Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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