we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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