I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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