swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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