I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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