After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
