theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
