I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
