I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
