Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
