i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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