im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
