hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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