so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
