Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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