Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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