Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
