I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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