did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
