Small penises have feelings too.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
