She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
