Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
