Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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