Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
