I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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