Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
