; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
