Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
