then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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