for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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