we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
