... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
