why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
