does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
